Thoughts on husbands in the labor/birth room

Many people are very passionate about the topic of men in delivery rooms. This became apparently evident as Patrick and I made plans for Noras birth. I decided to be surrounded by female friends and a doula. Patrick's presence was welcomed at the very end for Nora's birth. He and I were in complete agreement with this plan and it worked fabulously for us.

This said, well intentioned people would reply, "You should make Patrick be in there with you. He should see what labor is like. Don't you want him to be the one comforting you?"

Patrick is not a hospital person, nor is he big on or seeing me in that amount of pain AND knowing how to appropriately respond to it. So I knew that the delivery room would not be his forte.

With Stuey we had a similar arrangement-I had several friends there with me and this time Patrick was in Fort Abercrombie with Nora as I gave birth to Stuey. And I was equally as happy with this arrangement. In fact, during labor I loved imagining the walk through the park that Patrick and Nora were taking together.

I recently have done a lot of reading on the matter of men in the delivery room. There are virtually no cultures around the world (until the recent 100-200 years--us and England) where men are a key part of birth. Birth has traditionally been a womans job. A woman goes into labor surrounded by a midwife, friends, sisters, etc... while the man tends to the fields, keeps the fire warm in the fireplace and sees that the house is taken care of. Or they would be out hunting, and getting food for the family. The men were not a part of birth.

More recently in our culture there has been a strong push to have men in the delivery room-especially since the 1960's. What are the advantages and disadvantages to this arrangement?

Advantages of having men in the delivery room:
-Improved bonding with the mom during labor/birth
-Bonding time with baby during labor and after birth
-Husband is able to read his wife and her needs/wants/desire. May be able to provide a comforting touch or word unique to that relationship.
-sense of accomplishment after its over "we did it honey!!"
-They have greater empathy for what the wife went through to give birth to a baby.


Disadvantages of having men in the delivery room:
-potential for disappointment--not being able to do enough for the mom--or feel understanding enough of her pain.
-Some men may have adrenaline in their system-which may be evident to their wife in labor. Adrenaline tends to be a contagious hormone, and this can be passed on to the woman, which can actually stall labor. During labor, women need to be in their primal mode, where they are in their own "zone" and can go through the contractions with little interruption. Adrenaline is a hormone which is typically present AFTER the baby has been born. This hormone is not particularly needed during labor and it has the potential to slow birth down. Adrenaline is associated with action and excitement, which is not a primary hormone for the laboring mom.
-Some men may not be able to provide the nurturing touch a woman needs during labor. Many women remark wanting "a motherly figure" to help them through the contractions. Someone confident with the process and re-assuring. Many men ( especially first timers) may not be comfortable expressing such confidence about the progress of the labor.

I believe some men are "thrown" into the role of caregiver during labor. It is almost the FRIENDS TV show pop culture syndrome..."You did this to me, so you'd better be in there when I push this baby out!!!!!" I can just hear Courtney Cox in an episode of FRIENDS saying that now. Almost like its cool to "torture" our husbands with childbirth so he gets what he deserves. Hmmm.....
theres a lot wrong with that philosophy.

The husband can feel like a deer in headlights.
Birth is a completely foreign scene for some men. To see their wife in that much pain and not be able to take it away?

What we know about birth is that the woman needs to be in the primal mode and do not need to be asked after every contraction, "does that hurt, honey? Are you ok, honey?". Talking and questions draw the woman out of the primal cortex of her brain and more into the neo-cortex--where more reasoning is done. Birthing is an instinctual, primal activity.

Thats where a midwife, doula, sister or friend who is experienced with birth can make such a difference. She can provide comfort measures which are indicated without excessive questioning, reasoning, etc.

There are many men who are absolutely amazing in the delivery room and are able to provide just the right comfort and touch. The care they are able to offer their partners is wonderful-and without nervous, concerned energy.

And there are other men who may not feel as comfortable being the primary caregiver for their wife and will tend to be more nervous/anxious. For the men in this category, I believe it is best for the woman to be surrounded by female friends and to have her husband come in either right during birth, or right after for the post-birth time to welcome the baby.

The point is that whether the man is in the delivery room or not is NOT an indicator of what kind of father they are, or will be. What determines how good a father is seems to be dependent on their help with the mom, household duties and baby help as the little one gets older. THere are so many ways in which the partner can help with the household tasks and with the moms recovery from delivery (cooking, shopping, errands, etc...). These tasks performed over the months post -partum would appear to be a much larger indicator of paternal involvement than whether or not he was in the delivery room.

Another aspect of this dilemma is that many women in todays society live far away from sisters, mothers, close aunts, etc.. So women ask only their husbands to come to the labor/birth room. That is where a doula, or professional labor support person, can be of great help. This is a female who is skilled in the art of supporting a laboring mom-being with her, encouraging her and supporting her.

This birth support person will only ENHANCE the birth experience for the mom and birth partner. Many couples may think, "oh, I don't want to have someone else in there because it could take away from the experience with my husband." Well, the reality is that the professional birth support will make the experience better for the husband by taking some of the pressure off. What if the husband is doing a technique to help the mom and it stops working? And the husband forgets everything they learned in class? And the nurse is busy?
Thats where a birth support person can confidently guide the couple in finding techniques to help with soothing the mom during contractions. Its a win-win situation.

The take home message is that men should not be judged on whether or not they are in the delivery room. Women and men should have the necessary support in the birth room, which could come in the form of sisters, friends or a doula. Birth is a natural, normal process to be celebrated by all.

Zoya

Photos:
-Patrick, Stuey and I after Stuey's birth
-MJ looks on as I have a contraction during Stuey's labor
-Marias, Alexis and I in the hallway before Stuey is born. We went back into the room and he was born about 10 minutes later!
-Nora hanging out for a few minutes before I was induced to have Stuey!
-Marias, Alexis and MJ support me during labor. MJ puts a cold washcloth on my forehead.
Katie took all these memorable photos and she was a wonderful support as well as Lisa M.!!