This morning I read an article in the latest Newsweek which I found worth sharing with Patrick. It is on the choice to have kids and the fact that it doesn't necessarily bring more overall life happiness. Study after study have shown that through all ages of life there is no big difference in happiness between people who have kids and people who don't. It also discussed how many years ago (30-50 years ago), kids were a necessary part of the family-and helped with the farm and the family business. Now families live all separated apart from eachother and there often isn't the support from aunts /uncles /grandmas /grandpas to help with raising kids that there used to once be. Also, it talked about the lack of happiness or fulfillment parents have in rushing kids around from activity to activity with little time for ones self.
For Patrick and myself, having kids was a VERY CONSCIOUS choice. In fact, for a short while we contemplated not having kids. I can't remember exactly what it was that brought us to change our mind, but I think it was a bit of me "convincing" Patrick that kids would be a good addition to our lives. I remember shortly before I got pregnant I had a conversation with a parent who said, "Zoya, don't have kids just to have kids. It is a tough job and I want it to be a choice you make for yourself. Don't feel pressured into having kids." This was a breath of fresh air to hear. I often heard the opposite message from other people (friends and family) and it was reassuring to know that it was OUR decision and not one to be taken lightly. So often you hear the message of "Have Kids To Be Happy" which is so not true.
The choice to NOT have kids is often a more deliberate one than to have kids in our culture. Birth control takes foresight and consideration, as well as the sometimes perceived social pressures to have kids. This said, when we came to the decision to have kids, we were on board and ready for the challenges that parenting through our way.
Parenting with Patrick is quite fun and I can't imagine never seeing him in this "dad" capacity. He has so much to teach our little ones as well as me-about diligence, patience, the outdoors....There are so many facets of his personality which I get to get sneak peaks into since having kids.
The first 6 months after each child is utterly exhausting and not something either of us want to go through again. The sleep deprivation is brutal and I remember not findings Patrick's jokes funny for about the first 6 months after birth. I don't miss the newborn baby stage at all. (That said, I do cry almost every time I watch "Nora's 1st Year" video that Patrick made for me years ago....includes stills and videos set to music including "Forever Young" The Pretenders "I'll stand By You". I love watching our family in that first year together on video).
Another good point the article made is how we see images of families with kids at Disney World (or other such places) and think that its all supposed to be happy, happy, happy. The reality is that is that parenting is hard and it is often a thankless job.
For Patrick and I, we love living in Kodiak because of the simplicity of our lives. With Ft. Abercrombie and Mill Bay Beach each a 5 minute walk away, practically no commute to schools and work, that leaves lots of time to cook with the kids, be outside, read, etc... I often don't understand the pressures to be constantly "doing" things with kids-taking them constantly to museums, amusement parks, etc. Our idea of a good time is having the kids help us cook, clean up, exploring the outdoors. Pretty simple, really. Theres not hours spent in cars, outings to expensive theme parks or places where your kids are supposed to be happy. Time with other families and time at home is most valuable to us.
All these thoughts come together after a great discussion yesterday with my friend Karen about why we love Kodiak. A simple, good way of life.
So this morning, after Patrick and I had both read the article, the kids were both screaming for some time and I had a few moments of thinking, "Oh, my-did we make the right choice to have kids? This is HARD!!! And a true test of patience!". Patrick and I did the usual, trying to do disaster management with the kids and laugh at the same time. And I remember that these are some of the hardest times-my friends with older kids tell me this---"Zoya, these are the hardest times. Especially with 2 young ones."
My final thought on the issue that for me, kids bring a balance between work and family life. When I'm at work, I enjoy it 200%...time with adults, doing my physical therapy and getting people better. When I'm at home, I treasure my time with the kids-cooking, reading, going to the beach, singing songs with them. Whatever it may be, it is time which will pass so quickly. There have been rough times, but thats when a phone call to a friend always reassures me that I'll indeed get through it.
Zoya
Photo:
We enjoyed dinner with a high school friend, Lee Walters, his wife, Christy and their son, Zach two nights ago with MJ. Such a good time! Lots of laughter and kid talk!
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